Example Of How Not To Write An Historical Essay

1501 words - 7 pages

I am writing in regards to Filomena's performance in my history class. Rather than wait until her report comes out this week to write a sentence or two, I would like to deal with her writing ability fully to keep you completely aware and hopefully come to some idea that could best help her improve. I am not sure if you are in contact with her homeroom teacher but suspect that as is too often the case, the school waits until things get too late to inform parents.I find that this school admits and promotes any student regardless of ability and then by the time they reach IB2 they are far out of their depth with the school unable or unwilling to help them. One of my IB1 students for exam ...view middle of the document...

One of the examples of civilians being treated hard is disease. They were kept locked in houses with no cleaned drains which caused gangrene and other disease, they didn't have fans which were used to push the germs out through the window. Many people were dying because of poor health care and no medical treatment. In order to keep the civilians alive they would have to move them to another house that was clean, had a good environment and a good medical treatment.Such a paragraph concerns me for a number of reasons. Firstly, it was again the same question I had assigned for homework. I WENT OVER IT INDIVIDUALLY WITH FILOMENA BOTH IN CLASS, AFTER CLASS AND ONLINE. Secondly, after some time writing essays, there is still no topic sentence, concluding sentence, structure. This must be the case for all her classes. Most importantly, the ideas are completely off the mark. There is no evidence, no facts, no justification. To be told that civilians were simply moved to other accomodation due to lack of fans which led to gangrene is ground for deep worry. I know of no European country at that time that left its citizens without any medical treatment etc. As the next paragraph shows, pronouns are used without any reference so that one never understands who 'they' are:Another example of poor civilians is hardwork, they made them work very hard, even little kids. In 1914 they decided that children have to work also, they were sent to different places like factories, yards and the mills. They weren't even opaid for their jobs, thousands of kids which worked in a sewing machines, died because when the machine got stuck cause of the tread. The kid had to go under the machine and untangle it, it was a huge risk because once you fix it, it starts working and you will get killed. Parents had different k\jobs there were times that were locked in another place without seeing their kid for years. They even splited mothers from their babies. Because of this people were loosing their lives so they could satisfy someone.It goes without saying that none of these points were mentioned in class or can be found in her textbook. To be asked to accept that "thousands" of children died due to faulty sewing machines and that babies were taken from mothers during the Great War at this level is impossible. No attempt has been made to use real facts we learned in class and studied, or any sense of context. This leads me to her last point:The civilians were treated really harsh no matter if it meant it was a woman, man or child. They thought that being a man was a successful way of what they intended to do, but it wasn't because they kiled innocent people. One of the ways of killing civilians by Germans was by putting them in a room naked and spreading poison gas, which killed them slowly. Another way is either to make them die of hunger and thirst or eit...

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